It’s the middle of the night, I’m laying on the our cold bathroom floor in fever with excruciating pain radiating from my stomach that can be best described as my “abdomen in a meat grinder”. I’d love to say this is a one time occurrence of food poisoning or the stomach bug but nope. This is what has become my new normal and just a small glimpse of life with endometriosis.
As I lay here, I should be asleep but for the last almost 12 hours it's been so painful to move, all I can do is watch TV (Netflix to be more specific) and pray the pain subsides with enough time for me to enjoy my weekend festivities. I know you're probably thinking, dang girl - why not just go to a doctor and get some medicine? Ha. I wish it was that easy. Unfortunately, not only is there no cure for endometriosis and the only medical relief available is surgery and/or using a chemotherapy drug, Luperon, to manage the pain and reduce the factors that contribute to the “host environment” disease.
The Mayo Clinic describes Endometriosis as an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus grows outside your uterus most commonly affecting your your ovaries, fallopian tubes and the tissue lining your pelvic. Often misdiagnosed, this can make common everyday activities like working out, going to work, even walking and even life goals like having kids nearly impossible.
It also makes questions like “When are you and Chris having kids?” really difficult to address. We understand people are excited for our journey and can’t wait for us to be parents. Trust me, we want to be able to dream with our friends and family on what lies ahead or talk about our future children’s names and what they may look like but, it’s also a constant reminder of our situation and the struggles that lie ahead.
Emotionally, talking about kids or being around kids is draining. Being a mom is something that I pictured from a young age. I always wanted six kids (hey - I was young 😂) to fill a huge dining room table and noise the from love and laughter in my home. Growing up and realizing that that dream may be just that - a dream, is an emotional and very depressing toll.
Maternity photos, pregnancy announcements, cute little kids at the grocery store - all of these innocent moments trigger such an emotional response. Some days I feel like as absolute failure as a wife and woman, I’m angry at myself, consumed with guilt wondering if I did something to make my body respond this way. Other days I’m filled with sadness knowing that the possibility of never being called “Mom” might become a reality and most days I’m just numb because this is reality. This is life with endometriosis.