Dealing with the ups and downs that come with invisible illnesses are stressful, exhausting, agonizingly mind numbing. With my endometriosis, I find myself going through phases of bitterness and depression from the stress associated with my “new normal”.
Last week I had yet another surgery to help manage the condition. As I was sitting in the the doctor's office going through pre-operative instructions these thoughts occupy my head. My eyes well up, fill with tears and bam - it was like a pacifier had been ripped out of a sleeping child’s mouth. I couldn’t control the tears, I couldn’t explain the emotions. I just felt numb. The stress of the financial burden this will put on our family, the stress of having to take an entire week off work and fall behind on several projects, the bitterness of having the use a good portion of paid time off to cover the time I’m out instead of being able to use that time traveling with family + friends making memories. The worry that although I’m having to do this procedure that something worse will be wrong or that my worst fears will be confirmed - we won’t be able to have kids. Being a woman of faith, I try to be strong and find comfort in God's plans for me but I often wonder - what if this is God’s plan for me? What if everything imagined growing up was exactly that, a figment of my imagination never to turn into a mere ounce of reality? In a society that measures a woman’s worth by her ability to produce and raise children all while being a sex vixen on the gram hash tagging “#momgoals”, what would I have to offer? What would we say when people ask us “When are you going to have kids?” As I go through this chapter of life I try and reflect on my favorite Bible verse. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11-13.
Thankfully after a morning under, my doctor told me she was able to clear out all of the endo and all of my organs were functioning well. Immediately I felt a sense of relief, I was able to breathe knowing I could still have hope for the future that lies ahead. Ultimately, although I go through struggles, I try and remember things could always be worse and try to embrace the journey of life.
On the bad days I have to remind myself of the little blessings and on the good day be even more grateful that my endo has not gotten the best of me. Life is journey and in this my chapter, My Road to Recovery, I choose to fight, have faith and put my physical and mental health first.
If you are concerned you may have endometriosis, I strongly encourage you to make an appointment with an OBGYN and talk to them about symptoms you are experiencing and options pain management that fall within your budget and insurance coverage. Time is of the essence.